First, in handling the problem, a parent needs to begin by calmly explaining to their child that becoming nervous before a game is a normal and understandable experience. Once your talk is finished, demonstrate your reassurance with either a comforting look or a caring gesture. This will go a long way to help ease your child's fears, as sometimes words can only go so far and reinforcement is always necessary.
From there, your child usually will start to be preoccupied with the next match, thinking the upcoming game will prove once and for all that their athletic performance is a big letdown to them. Anticipating that they cannot perform at the parental level expected, or that of their coaches and peers (whether this is true or not, but perceived to be) can create fears that seem real because of the bad feelings generated. However, having these worrisome, scary, or disturbing feelings does not mean that your young athlete isn't good enough, or that having such ideas and accompanying feelings makes it true.
It is up to you, as the parent, to differentiate and explain to your child that they will always be loved and accepted for who they are, and that is separate from what occurs on the playing field. Thus, no matter whether your son or daughter plays well, poorly, or in between both ends, it will not change your relationship with them. Anxious children are overly concerned about how they are perceived by others, and this excessive worrying can lead to feelings of self-doubt, inferiority, and inadequacy.
For instance, if you hear your child say, "I must do well in this sport" and associates this with "I know you will be upset with me and I'm not good enough," that requires special attention. In these sentences, it's the word must that gives it a compulsive quality and creates the anxious apprehension. If your child expresses something even remotely similar, chances are anxiety is already starting to build and can escalate to interfere with your child's athletic performance. When taken to the extreme, fantasies of rejection could be imagined.
The first step in alleviating this situation is to become a good listener. This alerts you to be more aware of an anxious comment, so they can be acknowledged and addressed. Next, try to help your child become aware of his or her internal feelings and the resulting effect they may have on his or her mood. The third step is to model self-assurance (how to talk silently and supportively to oneself) as a means of recognizing, catching, modifying, and eliminating the worries that fill your young athlete's mind.
For instance, what if your child tells you that he or she is worried about missing too many basketball shots and being teased by the others players as a result. You want to encourage your child to change this critical thinking to a more supportive thought. You could suggest to your child to quietly say to him or herself, "I will give it my best shot, and that is all I can do." (Or something comparable.) Once this kind of reassuring statement is internalized, it will be a foundation for instilling confidence and trust.
On the other hand, if your child starts to personalize mistakes and blames themselves for situations beyond their control, it may then be inevitable that your child finds ways to avoid playing. This may take the form of sickness, having stomachaches or headaches, or deciding to stop participating all together. When a child starts making unfounded and negative statements about their performance, one must look for symptoms, such as losing sleep or wanting to sleep more than usual.
The fear of disapproval and/or failure arises because the focus is on one aspect of the game - the outcome. Therefore, it is important to work on shifting or broadening your child's perspective to contain something that is both realistic and reachable. This may be simply having fun, trying one's best, or working on improving basic skills rather than concentrating on the final score.
Ideally, you want to see your child's sports enjoyment provide its own personal fulfillment. In turn, that will foster the best reward, which is having a love of the game and the intrinsic desire to play competitive sports. On the other hand, if what is instilled in the child is the idea that winning is all that matters, or that defeating the opponent is the way to measure success, then there is a greater likelihood your child will begin to display sports anxiety, since that imposes less control over his or her own athletic destiny.
Andrea Corn, Psy.D., is in private practice at Child and Family Psychologists in Plantation, Florida. She is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Florida Psychological Association and the National Association of Sports Psychologists.
This article was reprinted with permission by the National Alliance For Youth Sports. More information can be obtained through their educational on-line program, which is available at http://www.nays.org/.
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